senseless thoughts from october first.

i adore health foods and become obsessive over fresh produce and all the different kinds of nuts, seeds & grains there are, not to mention the colourful array of vegetables & varieties of exotic fruits that blossom all around the world. i admire them; wishing to grow like them. if only i could plant a thought in my mind and make it thrive, and come alive so beautifully as they do. i am simply in love with the whole concept of eating naturally sourced foods from the earth, blessed by mother nature; overflowing with nutrients to fuel our body. i think it fascinating the way something can spring from the soil; the dirt, like a gift to nourish us.


only i feel so guilt ridden.

i am falling for the trick of treating calorie content as though it matters. i am lying to myself thinking i focus on nutrition more than numbers, something i desperately want, but will never be able to fathom nor understand how; a very frustrating thing. i am simply hopelessly fooling myself into believing that i am eating well whilst in reality i am slipping willingly into the grim dark grips of quiet starvation. my decaying soul contrasting harshly against a facade of the rainbow diet falsely perceived by my preparation of such foods that i never half even eat. and i get so upset about the lies spreading through me about all of it. by a precariously conducted scene of health talk that i throw around on a daily basis, none of it proves true to the reason that i am so utterly addicted to it that actually eating it is a rare occurrence, then pursues the familiar taste of feeling like a total hypocrite for gorging on junk foods that i usually criticise for being something unworthy/needless as though we need another tangible reason to satisfy being alive. and especially after being so connected to my well being through healthy eating regime obsessions, to cave like this into sweet sugary cravings fills me with a deep hatred that penetrates right to the core of my entire being. yet it sits so strangely besides my childhood fantasies of dream like junk foods made special by the rare occurrence of being able to eat them. where as now it is almost as if i abhor routine, find it distasteful even though it may be exactly what i need, yet i break it so often from to this want to shy away from associating myself with health and fitness because i am utterly lying if i can honestly say i am living one.

it is only that i am seemingly hypnotised by this delightful choice to be made of so many wonderful foods, each possessing their own magic potion if you like (i love to think of food this way) to heal, rejuvenate, energise etc like how avocados are rich in anti oxidants, combat anti ageing & how almonds help you sleep. they are all with such powerful properties it is overwhelming: organic medicine. i may be obsessive over it and adore it until my heart explodes but that does not mean i am executing my passion for a healthy lifestyle in any way and i suppose it makes me very sad that i cannot do that.
 
I have been writing this for over two hours and I am still not happy with it, only I am very sleepy and tired so I give up. I apologize for the lack of capital letters and disarray of punctuation.